


The Story of Wrong

by noirangetrois



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, Duo POV, Eventual Smut, Heero and Duo don't die, I promise, If those are in any way an issue for you then go ahead and skip this, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Spoilers, Tragedy, VERY eventual, Yaoi, slight AU, slowburn, this is mostly canon-compliant but I've changed a couple things here and there, very dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-03-26 03:22:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13849020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noirangetrois/pseuds/noirangetrois
Summary: Duo recounts his experiences during the war in order to explain... well, why he was wrong.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the prologue of a story I began a long time ago (think over a decade), and posted originally on ff.net. For various reasons, I wasn't able to continue writing it, but now intend to finish, though probably at a slow pace as I'm currently working on several other stories simultaneously... because my brain is incapable of sticking to one thing at a time, apparently. Anywho, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Oh! If you see any typos, please please please point them out in the comments. This is unbeta-ed, so there are bound to be some.

"You must live, Duo, and remember us. Remember our love, Duo. Remember that..."

How many hours have I spent, filling in the end of the sentence she never finished? There were a hundred, a thousand endings to that sentence, all the things she had ever told me and ever meant to tell me, and I heard them in my dreams and in my waking thoughts. Remember, always remember. So I did. I remembered, and remember still. Everything: her love, Father Maxwell's kindness, Solo's bravery, Dr. G's lessons, the feel of Deathscythe's cockpit, the betrayal and self-loathing at being tricked by Treize into aiding in Noventa's murder.

That, perhaps, was the beginning of the end. Before, the disasters and tragedies in my life had always been personal. Solo's death ripped me apart, but I let Father Maxwell and Sister Helen comfort and love me, let myself love them as I had loved Solo, knowing there was nothing that could take them away from me. They were grown-ups, not street urchins, and they smiled and laughed and told me that God loved me, loved all of us, and that He had a plan for us and it was good. He took Solo back to end his suffering and send me to their church, and everything would be good, now.

I believed it, all of it and I knew that when the rebels took Maxwell Church hostage I would be able to save everyone, because God had a plan and it was good. There was no suffering for God to take from Father Maxwell or Sister Helen, and I knew that they were safe. But I was wrong, so wrong. There was no God, not the God Sister Helen told me about. There was only Shinigami, the God of Death, who ensured that I must lose all those I loved, that no one was invincible.

There was a simple solution to my problem, and I took it. I closed my heart, determined never to open it again and bring doom to those I loved. Eyes blinded by tears, I promised Sister Helen, cold and still in my arms, that I would remember, and then I promised myself that I would have revenge. I had learned to hate and everyone who brought me misery would pay. The people who had killed her would pay: the people who had attacked the church; the rebels who had held it hostage; the people who had allowed Solo and me to run homeless—allowed Solo to die when he could have been cured—so that I ended up at Maxwell Church bringing love and death; the nameless, faceless people who allowed my parents to die, allowed me to run the streets and bring love and death to Solo... they would pay, too. I would close my heart, I would remember, and they would all pay. It was crazy, but it was also right, so right in my eight-year-old mind and heart.

And it was still right when I was twelve and I met Dr. G, who gave me the perfect opportunity to have my revenge. He taught me to be a fighter, a soldier. The Sweepers taught me to laugh and smile again, though I was careful to keep my heart closed to them. I learned the history of the colonies, and that my personal tragedies were part and parcel of the problems and atrocities caused by the United Earth Sphere Alliance. I now knew who was to blame, and Operation Meteor was my chance to take revenge for Solo, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell and all the other colonists the Alliance had caused to suffer and perish.

Everything was right until Noventa died. I had arrived on Earth, was carrying out my revenge. I met Heero and was pleased to know that I was not alone, not the only pilot fighting for the colonies. At the New Edwards base, I met the others, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei, and Heero destroyed Treize's jet. It was right, all right. But then the news came that it was not Treize who had died by Heero's hand, but Noventa and the other pacifists. Noventa, whom I had never met nor tainted with my love, and yet had died for all the same reasons Sister Helen died, with all the same calamitous consequences for my life. We had failed, and for the first time I entertained the thought that maybe, there was no way to win, and that closing my heart couldn't protect me from tragedy.

I did not let that thought linger, however. I extinguished it quickly and told myself I had never had it. I thought of Sister Helen and all that she bade me remember, and the memory of her love told me that this was not the end, that there was still hope, always hope, that I would succeed, that the Gundam pilots together could not fail to bring revenge, and peace in its wake.

Would you like to hear my whole story? I remember it all, everything, just as Sister Helen told me to. I remember, and relive it every day, in every thought and every dream. I will tell you everything, and then you will understand that I, like Sister Helen, was wrong, wrong, wrong. She was wrong, but I promised to remember, to remember her and all she told me and meant to tell me. It's all in my head and it fits nicely with everything else in there, because that's all wrong too. I remember everything and I'll tell you it all, so you'll know why I'm here and why I'm wrong, why everything is wrong. You can learn it the easy way, and never have to suffer yourself, just listen to my story...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More chapters to come! To start I'll be updating this once every week. If you liked it, I'd love to hear from you! Comments give me life, and keep me writing faster so you don't have to wait as long for more! Thank you, thank you, to everyone who read. You're amazing <3


	2. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some changes to the story line in this chapter. More on that in the end notes. Also, apologies that this took so long to post. RL, it be crazy.

He was the first person to threaten the control I had over my emotions, my caring. Yes, him, the one so many believed to be heartless. Maybe he was pretty darn close to it, but as an expert in suppressing emotions myself, I could tell he was doing the exact same thing. Thing was, he was never able to fake emotions like I can, so he came off as emotionless, unfeeling. Those emotions were there, though. You could see them if you watched carefully. Besides, he was the one who always talked about following your emotions. He tried to, too, it was just hard given that whoever trained him did their damnedest to get rid of them, and certainly almost succeeded.  
  
It was pretty soon after I'd come to Earth, spirits high with the prospect of revenge and justice, as another pilot might say. I'd found another gundam, remarkably similar to my own, and was in the process of removing it from the Alliance's reach when I came across him. He wasn't alone, though. There he was, Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier and fellow gundam pilot—though of course I didn't know that yet—eyes staring down the barrel of a gun that was pointed straight at some helpless girl. Of course I had to do something to help her out, so I shot him in the leg, to stop him without killing. I wanted to be sure he deserved to die before I gave him that honor. That's when things got as confusing as hell, though, since the girl I was attempting to rescue ran over to him to see if he was ok, telling me not to shoot. Ah, Relena. I never did pretend to understand her.  
  
In any case, I soon discovered that he was the pilot of the gundam I'd found, and had come to Earth with the same purpose I had. This little fact was a tremendous shock. I had never known that other gundams existed those years I'd helped work on Deathscythe. When I came to Earth, it was alone, to fight a one-man mission of retribution. Sure, Howard and the Sweepers were there to help me maintain good ol' Deathscythe, but I was the only fighter. Upon learning that Heero had essentially the same mission and an almost identical suit, I was determined to find out as much about him as I possibly could. So I did.  
  
\-----  
  
"Alright fine, if that Gundam's yours, I guess I won't use it for back-up. Darn."  
  
The other pilot snorted, then went back to operating the machine he was using to retrieve Wing Gundam from the bottom of the bay. I could tell he knew what he was doing, and determined that he was sufficiently skilled to be able to keep doing his work and discuss the situation at the same time.  
  
"Anyway, I noticed when I found your suit that it's pretty darn beat up. I've got a repair crew close by, and I bet your suit uses parts pretty similar to mine. How about you bring it by to get fixed up?"  
  
He looked at me briefly, and despite his blank face, I could see that he was considering it... considering me. His non-expression changed, somehow, and he turned back to his work. "Alright," was his only response. I had the unsettling feeling that he'd come to some sort of conclusion about me, but I had no idea what it was. Hopefully a good one, given that he'd agreed with my idea.  
  
All this silence wasn't good, though. Silence leads to thinking, and when I think, I remember, which isn't actually good for staying in a calm and reasonable state of mind. Despite all the years, I've never learned to really cope with the pain and the anger. Well, that's not true. I could cope just fine... by distracting myself constantly so I didn't have time to think, to remember, to hurt. They say time heals all wounds, but I say that's bullshit. Some wounds never heal, you just have to learn to ignore them. That's where talking comes in.  
  
"Umm... You sure you don't need any more info than that? Like, who am I exactly, is this repair crew trustworthy, do they have a medic who can take care of that bullet wound I gave you... Anything?"  
  
This time when he looked at me, his face wasn't entirely blank. Or blank at all, really. It was annoyed.  
  
"I know as much about you as you do about me. You're trusting me enough to take me to an obviously sensitive location, so I'll trust you enough to assume that your crew is trustworthy. I've already dealt with my leg and am capable of continuing to deal with it without help. All I need right now is to retrieve my gundam before somebody finds us." Back he turned to his work. Clearly, while he was capable of working and discussing at the same time, he was entirely uninterested in doing so. He'd also made some damn good points... Right. I knew better than to aggravate him further, so I was going to have to find some other method of occupying myself.  
  
"Well, in that case, I'll just go secure a truck to transport your suit away from this base and onward to the aforementioned sensitive location. See ya in a few!" And off I went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, in this version, Duo doesn't leave Heero face down in the water, Heero never ends up at the hospital, Duo doesn't have to rescue him. When I originally wrote this story, I was working off my memory of the series, and had forgotten those details. So, a few changes, but it doesn't have a huge effect on the story overall.
> 
> I know, this chapter is really short. Next one will be longer, promise!


	3. Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a much longer chapter to make up for how short the first two were. 
> 
> Unbeta-ed. If you notice any typos, please point them out in the comments so I can fix them! Thanks in advance ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

It was a two-hour drive to the storage warehouse the Sweepers and I were using as our base of operations, and it was a damned frustrating two-hour drive. Somehow, I'd managed to steal a truck with a broken radio, so my usual standby of singing at the top of my lungs was out. Well, I guess it was still an option, but without real music to back me up, I was pretty sure it was a bad option. After all, I wanted to get to know Heero, which required his presence, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't stay long if I spent two hours singing at the top of my lungs without music, crazy-person style.

  
With music out, two options were left: conversation or silence. Given how much we all know I love silence, I opted for conversation, and very quickly learned another little fact about dear Heero: not only did he dislike talking while he was working, he had pretty much zero interest in idle conversation. After ascertaining that he was from L1, Japanese in origin and the same age as I was (fifteen at the time), I was unable to get him to talk about anything else. Which meant that for the next hour and forty-five minutes, I would have to do all the talking. This was certainly within my capabilities, but it wasn't quite what I had been planning. Ah well, you win some, you lose some.

  
So I talked. And talked, and talked. You know how time really flies by when you're having a fun conversation with someone? Well, the opposite holds true when you're the only one doing all the work. Time goes slow, damn slow. The clock told me the trip took only two hours, but I'd swear on my life it was actually ten.

  
I told him about the warehouse location, its proximity to sources of food and other supplies, which things we were short of because they had to be stolen rather than bought.

  
"So I apologize if you're a fan of chocolate, because for whatever damn reason, it's expensive as hell around here, too expensive to waste cash on. Of course, I do have a little stash of it myself—managed to relieve a few nearby stores of some extra stock—but I'm afraid that my mother never taught me how to share, so it's all for me."

  
Grinning, I glanced over to see if Heero might have some sort of reply to this, but he was busy looking out the passenger-side window and I couldn't see his face. Sighing, I started telling him about the guys.

"Now, all the Sweepers are great. There's Barry, he's the strong guy. Big as a bull, ain't nothing he can't lift, I swear. Joe's our resident metal expert, can come up with alternate alloys and such when we've got no choice but to make our own parts. Then there's Howard... ah, Howard. He's the leader of the bunch, and man does he have the worst fashion sense of any guy I've ever met..."

\-----

The warehouse was located in a run-down industrial sector on the outskirts of a large, coastal city. It had obviously been abandoned for some time before we arrived, and we took pains to ensure that everybody still thought it was. Pulling up to the entrance, I flashed the headlights in the appropriate sequence and waited for the gate to slide open. After a brief delay, it started to creak, and I moved the truck into the large front room. It was just past one in the morning, and I could bet that most of the guys were asleep. As we climbed down from the truck, Howard approached us from the room used to monitor the gate.

  
"Good to see you back in one piece, Duo! I see you brought a friend as well as a suit," Howard said, clapping me on the back.

  
"Howard, this is Heero, pilot of the Gundam we've got stashed under all those tarps. Heero, Howard."

  
"Gundam!?" Howard exclaimed, extending his hand to Heero, who shook it. "Here I thought Deathscythe was the only Gundam out there! Mind if I take a look at it? I'd be more than happy to help if it needs fixing up!"

  
"I appreciate the offer," Heero replied quietly, "but I prefer to perform any necessary maintenance myself. I may need help obtaining parts, though."

  
"Well I can help with that! It's what I'm in charge of around here anyway; spend more time on that than I do working on machines nowadays. Just let me know what you need. Chances are, we have it, but if not, we'll figure out some way to get it to you anyhow," Howard stated with a grin, clearly excited to have any contact with Heero's Gundam.

  
"My thanks," Heero said.

  
"No problem! Anyway, I've got to get back to the gate, I'm on first watch tonight. Barry's got second, so you guys can sleep through. See you in the morning!" Howard said cheerily before heading back to the gate room.

  
"Night Howard!" I called after him. Yawning, I gestured for Heero to follow me. "Let me show you the crane so we can get your Gundam off that truck before I hit the hay. It's right over here. You can set up the suit in the area by the wall over here, any way you want."

  
Arriving at the crane, I clambered up the ladder and began pointing out the controls and explaining the system. The crane wasn't new, and it wasn't what you'd call state of the art even when it _was_ new. Like many less-than-perfect machines, it was a little picky about how you used it. Heero just nodded at the explanations, then proceeded to sit down and start the thing up.

  
"You want any help hooking up the cables?" I offered.

  
"No, I've got it under control," he replied, fingers flying away over the buttons and switches.

  
"If you say so, man." I could understand wanting to fix your own machine, but it seemed silly to refuse an offer that would speed up _this_ work. Shaking my head, I continued, "In that case, I'm gonna crash. The guys all sleep in that room over there," I said, pointing to a doorway on the opposite wall. "There are some extra cots, so go ahead and use one of those when you're ready for bed," I finished, and began climbing down the ladder on the side of the crane.

  
"Where will you be?" Heero asked.

  
Startled by his question, I jumped to the ground and yawned loudly to cover my surprise. "Me? I'm in the room next door. Being the resident Gundam pilot has some perks, ya know. I'd offer you your own room too, but the only other things we've got are storage rooms and an office. Besides, I need my beauty sleep. Bein' this good lookin' doesn't come easily, you know!" I proclaimed with a wink. As I turned and walked toward my room, I heard a snort issue from Heero's direction.

  
"See ya in the mornin', don't stay up too late!" I called over my shoulder.

\-----  
  
Sleep. I fucking _hate_ sleep. Having my own room had nothing to do with beauty rest. I needed it because falling asleep meant taking off my mask. Well, not so much taking it off as unwillingly relinquishing it. See, falling asleep required silence. Remember silence? It's that other thing I hate. Silence meant an end to distraction and the beginning of thinking. Thinking was bad because it inevitably led to remembering, and while I remember everything about my life, there are some things that I remember more strongly, things that tend to come up every time silence gives me a chance to think for long enough. Like Sister Helen, dead in my arms. Blood splattered everywhere and gathering in pools in the ruins of Maxwell Church. Kids dying on the street from a plague that had a cure.

  
As you might have guessed, I suffered from severe insomnia. Despite my best efforts, I often wasn't exhausted enough to fall right to sleep at the end of the day. So, I would toss and turn, trying in vain to ignore the memories invading my mind. I usually got some sleep eventually, though it was fitful and plagued by nightmares featuring the self-same memories I tried so hard to ignore in my waking moments. Waking up screaming was something I was unhappily accustomed to. Avoiding sleep altogether, as attractive an option as it was, was something I unfortunately couldn't afford. I'd learned the hard way—multiple times—that after four or more days without sleep, I am no longer capable of functioning, not to mention maintaining my self control around others. So I went to bed every night, getting what little rest I could. Having some privacy was the only thing that made it bearable.

  
Lucky for me, I had something to think about that wasn't my past that night. Despite my best efforts, I had gained little additional knowledge about the other pilot over the past few hours. Clearly, though, Heero was used to operating alone. I understood that to an extent, since I always fought alone, but I'd also always had the Sweepers to help patch up my Gundam—and sometimes, myself. I couldn't help but wonder at the man who had trained him—I assumed it was a man—and his reasons for sending Heero out alone, completely alone. Unless the man had known about Professor G and Deathscythe, and known that Heero would meet another Gundam pilot once he got to Earth? Maybe, but that didn't explain why he hadn't told Heero. The guy might be hard to read most of the time, but I could tell Heero was as shocked as I was to discover he wasn't the only Gundam pilot.

  
I idly wondered how he managed to be so stoic. I imagine I might be a lot like him if I could handle staying quiet all the time without going crazy. After all, all my energy and talkativeness was a cover, a distraction from what I was really feeling. I kept my true emotions under as tight control as he did. Well, when I wasn't trying to sleep, anyway. It made me a little envious that he could suppress his feelings without having to cover them up. I hate lying, and while I never spoke a lie, I was well aware that pretending to be happy-go-lucky all the time when I'm actually not isn't exactly honest, and I didn't like it.

  
Rolling over, I thought about what he might be doing right then. Working on his suit, no doubt. His single-minded dedication to work was impressive, to say the least. Maybe that was how he stayed in control. Focused on his work, his mission, all the time. It was certainly a way to cope, but just as certainly not a way that could work for me. My motivations for joining this operation were inextricably linked with all those memories I tried to suppress each day, and focusing on my work and my mission that much would bring them up pretty constantly. All this was assuming he had something to cope with, but I was pretty sure no human that emotionally suppressed could possibly be without some sort of problem.

  
I couldn't help but like him, though. I could tell we had a lot in common, though any sane person who spent thirty seconds with the two of us would have sworn we were nothing alike. He had issues he was coping with in his own silent way, and given that we shared a rather dangerous and rare vocation, a lot of his current issues were bound to be the same as mine. He was visibly alone in a way I felt even when surrounded by people, even people I knew. For the first time in years, I'd met someone I felt a connection to, and despite my better judgment, I wanted to make that connection stronger.

\-----  
  
I was running, running as fast as I could. I had the cure, and I had to get there in time. I ran up to Solo, who was curled up against a back-alley wall. I lifted his chin to give him the medicine, but it wasn't Solo after all. "Hurry up, or it will be too late," the anonymous boy said, so I ran on to the next street. I saw him huddled under a blanket next to a dumpster, and I hurried over to give him the cure, but this Solo wasn't Solo either. "Hurry up, or it will be too late." I turned the corner, and the two non-Solos followed me. I ran and ran, but every Solo I found wasn't Solo. "Hurry up, or it will be too late," they said, and they followed me while I did, but I couldn't find him.

  
"Soloooo!" I called, and he was there at my feet, coughing violently in the gutter while the non-Solo's gathered round. "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up..." they said. I knelt down to give him the medicine, but he just looked at me with accusation in his eyes. "What took you so long, Duo!? It's too late, I'm dying!" "No you're not, take the medicine!" I cried, but he just started coughing and the non-Solos started chanting, "It's too late. It's too late. It's too late." I tried to give him the medicine but he just kept coughing and the non-Solos kept chanting. When he stopped, his heart stopped beating, too, but the non-Solos kept chanting. "It's too late, it's too late…" I grabbed him and shook him but he wouldn't come back, and it was all my fault. I was crying and I was screaming because it was all my fault. "Nooooo!"

\-----  
  
I woke up screaming, sweaty, and tangled in the sheets. Panting, I got up and went to the sink in the corner. Splashing my face with cold water, I dried it off on a towel, turned, and froze.

  
Heero was standing in the doorway.

  
I stared at him, mind blank with panic, completely incapable of action. He stared back with a strangely blank face. It was an eternity before he spoke.

  
"I heard screaming. I thought someone had gotten in." He hesitated, looking down at my mostly-naked body and the blankets on the ground, then back at me. "I'm going to bed." He turned and left.

  
I stood there, silently panicking for a minute before I moved to shut the door. This time, I locked it. Walking to my bed, I fell back on top of the sheets. My eyes glued to a crack in the ceiling, I took quick, shallow breaths as my mind raced feverishly. /He saw me, he opened the door and he saw me... he heard me screaming... he saw me.../

  
Jumping up, I pounded the wall with my fists and slammed my forehead against it for good measure.

  
"FUCK!" Somehow, screaming didn't make me feel any better. Yanking some clothes on, I stalked out of the room. I didn't go back to bed that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, to everyone who is reading, and especially to those who left kudos and/or comments. You are amazing!


	4. Acquaintance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying so far! Here's another longer chapter for ya.
> 
> Unbeta-ed. If you spot any typos, please let me know!

The rest of that night was not fun, to say the least. Unable to escape the thoughts racing through my mind, I knew sleep would only bring more nightmares that I could not handle. I tried to occupy myself by taking apart Deathscythe's cockpit. I undid all the wiring and redid it twice, but the activity did little to relieve my racing thoughts. Incoherent strings of memories were combining with figments of my imagination, and I couldn't even follow what was going on in my own head. Truth to tell, Heero's appearance had scared me badly... really badly. Never before had my night terrors been intruded upon, and I completely lost control of my thoughts.

It was almost worse than dreaming. No, it was definitely worse than dreaming. I could wake up from nightmares, but I could not drive these thoughts from my mind. I worked mechanically, hardly even seeing the wires I was rerouting as I relived the dream I had had that night, Sister Helen's last moments, running in the alleys from the soldiers, Solo dying, coming back to find the church in ruins. I saw Heero pointing his gun, but he was pointing it at me, not that girl. I saw him standing in my doorway, looking at me with that expression that I didn't understand. All of the memories played and replayed in my mind, overlapping and fusing together until I was sobbing as I finally put all the controls back in place.

I jumped down from the cockpit and began to run. I ran all the way to the back of the warehouse and frantically punched in the code to the back door. Slamming it behind me, I ran down the street as fast as I could. The memories would not leave me alone, but I had to escape, somehow. I ran and ran until I thought my lungs would burst, then ran some more. Finally, I slowed to a walk as the street dead-ended. Ahead of me was a dock over dark water, the ocean stretching endlessly beyond. I fell to my knees at the end of it and realized I was still crying. The memories kept on coming. Curling up in a ball, I gave up. The crashing surf receded to a faint murmur as I let the images in my mind take over, tears running down my face all the while.

\-----

It was dawn when I finally came back to myself. My limbs and back ached from lying curled up on the hard wood of the dock. I groaned as I got up, wondering if I had fallen asleep. There was no way to tell. I looked out over the grey waters for a while, focusing on the sound of the crashing waves, grateful that my mind was now mercifully blank. I don't know how long I stood there, but by the time I turned to walk back to the warehouse, the sun had crested the grey buildings before me. I walked slowly, mentally preparing myself to confront Heero and the Sweepers. The guys at least would be up by now, if not Heero, and would certainly be wondering at my absence.

Entering the back door, I grinned and headed over to the makeshift kitchen we'd set up towards the front of the warehouse, which consisted of a large fridge, sink, two propane camp stoves, and a large coffee maker. The stoves were on and the smell of eggs and sausage wafted over me as I approached the men seated around the tables near the stoves.

"Mornin' everyone!" I called, widening my grin. "Good to see you all up on this fine day!" All eyes turned to me, and not a few eyebrows drew up in surprise.

"Since when were you a morning person, Duo?" Howard demanded as he stood up. "And where the Hell were you?! When I got up, the door to your room was open and we couldn't find you anywhere."

"Sorry to worry you guys. I woke up early and decided to go for a run instead of lazing around in bed. Didn't think to tip anyone off about where I was going." Sitting down in an empty chair, I saw Heero gazing at me from down the table with one of those inscrutable expressions of his.

Grinning ever wider, I ignored the perplexed looks I was still receiving from the others and leaned toward the other pilot. "So Heero, Howard's snoring keep you up last night? I slept like a baby, if you know what I mean," I said with a wink. No baby I ever knew made it through the night without screaming and crying at least once, so I thought it was a pretty accurate statement.

Heero gave me a strange look as Howard cried out in protest. "I'm not the only one who snores, Duo! You know Tom's _way_ worse than me. Why do you always put the blame on my shoulders, huh?"

I kept a watch on Heero through the corner of my eye as I replied, "Come on, How, everyone knows you snore louder than a freight train, and Tom doesn't even come close. It's a wonder any one of the guys manages to sleep with you around!" A number of the men chuckled at that, and Howard threw up his hands before grumbling off to start his work.

Turning back to Heero, I continued, "Sorry about all the noise you had to put up with, but like I said, my room's the only private one we've got. You'll get used to it eventually." He continued to watch me with that strange look for a few heartbeats, then shrugged and turned back to his breakfast.

"It wasn't a problem. I'm trained to be able to rest in uncomfortable surroundings as well as noisy ones."

"Alright," I laughed. "Fair enough." Getting up, I walked over to the stoves and loaded a plate with eggs and sausage, then filled mug with coffee before returning to my seat. Relieved that Heero wasn't going to bring up what had happened the night before, I took a bite of sausage and chased it down with a gulp of java.

"So you manage to get much done last night?" I asked. "You were up pretty late."

"I just catalogued all of the damages and made a list of the parts I'll need. I'll start the repairs once Howard tells me which parts you have on hand." Taking a last bite of eggs, Heero stood up and took his dishes over to the sink, where the guy on dish duty took them and added them to the dirty pile he was working on. Turning, Heero started over towards his Gundam. I took a few more bites and then grabbed my plate to take with as I stood up to follow. Despite the events of the previous night, I was still intrigued by the other pilot. I opened my mouth to ask another question when Howard called from across the room.

"Hey, Heero!" Howard waved as he jogged over to us. "As I thought, we've got most of the stuff you need. I marked off the items that we don't. Judging by how long it took to get them last time we needed 'em for Deathscythe, we should have 'em in four or five days."

"Thank you," Heero replied, scanning over the list Howard had handed to him. Nodding to himself, he resumed walking toward his gundam.

"No problem!" Howard said, giving me a sidelong glance as we watched the other pilot go. "Sure is a quiet one, isn't he?"

"Certainly seems so," I replied. Taking another bite of breakfast, I continued, "Anyway, thanks for helping him out. I'm gonna help him find all the parts and see if I can't get a better look at his Gundam." Shoveling the last few bites of food in my mouth, I held the plate and fork out to Howard. "Wanna take my dishes back for me?" I asked with my most winning smile.

Rolling his eyes, Howard took them from me and snorted. "I don't know why I put up with you, sometimes."

"Ahh, you know it's cause I'm adorable! You haven't been able to say no to me since you found me starving and nearly unconscious in that crate three years ago," I said with a grin.

That just earned me another eye-roll and a harumph. "More like abominable," he muttered as he headed for the kitchen, not quite suppressing an affectionate smile.

Laughing, I headed over to where Heero was. He'd set up a laptop on a table at the foot of his Gundam, and was leaning over it as he entered in some data, glancing over at his list from time to time. Leaning over his shoulder, I queried, "That's a nifty-looking program you've got there. What's it do?"

I could tell it was a diagnostics program for his suit, into which he was entering the parts he had available to work with so it could give him suggestions on what order to repair things and such. However, I figured I'd take a shot at getting him to talk by feigning ignorance.

He glanced up at me, and it was clear he doubted that I didn't know the answer to my own question, so I quickly assumed the most innocent expression I could.

"Well?" I asked, rocking back on my heels.

Looking back at his computer, he replied, "It's a diagnostics program for my suit. Once I enter in the available parts, it will tell me which repairs can be performed and which ones will have to wait until the other parts arrive."

"I figured as much," I said, smiling. "Just thought I'd make sure, you know? The one I use looks a bit different." Smiling wider when he snorted at my reply, I continued. "Well, anyway, I'm not busy today so I figured I could help you out." Raising my hands when he was about to protest, I laughed. "I know, I know, you want to do the repairs yourself. That's fine. But, you don't know where we keep any of our parts, so you'll need me to show you around. After that, well, I'll just keep you company. Work's always more fun when someone else is around, right?"

I could tell from the look he gave me that he didn't agree with my last statement, but all he said was, "We'll get the parts when I finish entering this data."

"Sounds good to me!" I replied with a grin and hopped up to sit on the end of the table while he went back to work. Swinging my legs, I leaned back and hummed to myself as I looked idly around the warehouse, watching the other pilot out of the corner of my eye. As usual, it was hard to tell what he was thinking. Unlike the last time I had bothered him at his work, though, he didn't seem annoyed… just passive. Mostly just intent on his work. I was willing to bet he'd be sick of me by the end of the day, but at least we'd be starting out with minimal hostilities.

Hitting the enter key one last time, Heero stood and looked up at me expectantly. Taking this as my cue, I hopped down and gestured for him to follow. "We'll be able to get most of the parts you need just in the back of this main room, but we'll probably have to dig in the storage rooms for a few. Let me see the list?" I requested. He handed it to me without a word and I scanned it quickly. "Yep! Just as I thought." Arriving at the back of the room, I grabbed a large cart and pushed it over to a pile of crates and parts.

"Alright, this is where we're gonna find all the electronic bits. We can load everything on this cart, then wheel it back to your suit once it's full." Nodding, Heero set about sifting through the piles. Joining him, I smiled to myself. He may not be talking much more, but he certainly seemed more tolerable of my presence than he was at the docks or on the drive the night before. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was even glad for my company.

We filled up the cart and wheeled it on over before going back for the last few parts, which were buried in one of the storage rooms as I had predicted. As we were sorting through the crates, Heero surprised me with a question.

"Don't you have work to do on Deathscythe?"

Looking up, I found Heero gazing at me intently.

"He speaks!" I said with a laugh. "Nah, Deathscythe's fine. I finished fixing him up yesterday before going after your Gundam. See, repairs go quickly when you let people help you." Looking back over, I saw that he had returned his attention to the crate he was currently sifting through. "Why do you ask?" I queried.

He was quiet so long I didn't think he would answer. Peeping at him from under my bangs, I saw an almost pained look on his face. I opened my mouth to change the subject, but he spoke before I had the chance.

"I don't want to distract you from your duties." Pause. "I can finish this on my own. You don't have to help."

Understanding dawning on me, I bit back a laugh. Who would've thought he'd feel guilty for taking up my time?

"It's no problem, man, really. Deathscythe's all taken care of, as I said earlier, and I'm not busy today. It happens sometimes when you've got a team backing you up," I added at his skeptical glance. "Besides, it makes sense to get to know each other a bit. We're on the same side, right? Chances are we'll be working together at some point, and understanding each other will certainly make that easier. Don't worry that I'm neglecting my duties, 'cause I'm not. If anything, my duty is to be doing exactly what I'm doing."

I looked up to smile at him, and I could see the tension leave him. Well, most of it, anyway.

"Alright," he said, nodding, then turned back to his work. I wondered again at whoever had provided his training. Clearly, interpersonal skills and teamwork had not been included.

As we wheeled the last cart-full back towards his Gundam, I noticed a blinking light at the corner of his laptop's screen. He did too, as evidenced when he left the cart to jog over to the computer and began typing away. Pushing the cart the last few yards, I walked up behind him.

"What's that all about, huh?"

He looked up at me briefly before replying. "Mission."

"Mission? Huh, I never get more than 24 hours notice for mine. Lucky you, you'll have a whole week to prepare."

Looking at me somewhat askance before turning back to the screen, he replied, "I never get more than 24 hours notice either. The mission is tomorrow."

"What?! But you won't have all the parts you need for at least four days, let alone the time to finish the repairs you can do now! You've got to be kidding me!"

Closing his laptop, he shook his head firmly. "I will get as much done as I can before I leave, but the mission can't wait. Orders are orders." With that, he walked over to one of the carts, grabbed a few parts and some tools, then headed toward his suit.

"Wait just a minute, Heero," I said, silently fuming at whatever callous bastard was giving him the orders. He turned, looking at me curiously. "It's bad enough that you'll be going into this mission with a damaged suit, which I'm sure you know is dangerous as hell, but there's no way you'll be able to finish all the repairs by yourself before you leave, even with the parts we have. Now, I understand not wanting the guys to work on your suit, or even me, but you're gonna have to accept my help on this one." At the stubborn look on his face, I held up a hand and glared, forestalling any protest. "I'm a Gundam pilot, too, dammit. I know what the Hell I'm doing. I'm not about to let my only ally go out there in a defective machine!"

His eyes opened wide in shock at my tirade. Angry with myself for letting my emotions get the best of me, I stalked over to the pile of parts and grabbed the ones that were needed for the Gundam's shoulder joints. Heading over to begin my work, I silently dared the other pilot to try and stop me. After a brief silence, I heard him climbing over into the cockpit with his own supplies, not saying a word.

Sighing to myself, I tried to focus on the work I was doing, but thoughts kept intruding on the silence. What had gotten into me to yell at him like that? Sure, everything I'd said was true, but it wasn't like me to let myself get so worked up. Though… he really was my only ally. Over the last twenty-four hours, I'd gone from being a lone fighter to having a partner in this mad rebellion, someone who was so different from me and yet seemed to much the same.

When I finally realized what had happened, I began to laugh. It was that or start crying. Here I was, helping him fix his suit because I didn't want to lose him over some stupid malfunction, when I'd already put him in more danger than any enemy could. After three years of locking my heart away, I had begun to care again. Laughing bitterly, I ignored the hot tear that escaped to trickle down one cheek as I set my focus back to my work. I would have to be more careful in the future. No one deserved the consequences of my affection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, again, to everyone reading this! I'd love to hear what your thoughts are! Reviews feed my soul and prompt me to write faster, so you don't have to wait as long for updates!


	5. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the very intermittent updates of late. Life has been rather crazy. Hopefully I can update more regularly going forward. I'll certainly try!
> 
> Unbeta-ed. If you spot any typos, please let me know!

I did not speak as we continued to repair Wing. Thankfully, Heero returned my silence. For once in my life, I wanted, needed to think. Somehow, I had lost control. It had happened so quickly, and I hadn't even noticed it until Heero had been threatened. I replayed the past days' events in my mind, trying to determine exactly when I had started to care. I couldn't.

Well, if I couldn't pinpoint the beginning, I would as least know precisely when it ended: right then. I had promises to keep, to Sister Helen and to myself. I had come to earth for revenge, for justice, and I would have it. Heero would make my task easier, just as my training and my Gundam made my task easier. There was no need to regard him with any more emotion than I did the others who came to my aid. After all, I'd managed three years with Howard and the Sweepers without a lapse in my vigilance. They were good men, and I enjoyed their company, but they helped me by their own free will and were paid well for it. They did not need my caring, and neither did Heero.

To be safe, I forced myself to remember those I had loved before. Silently continuing my work, I relived the pain and anguish of loosing Solo, loosing Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. I wallowed in the anger and self-loathing, the knowledge that while others had killed them, it was my love that had sealed their fates. I promised myself again that their deaths would be avenged, and that I would keep my feelings in check. Carefully, I rebuilt the walls around my heart, walls of pain and anger and guilt. I would be stronger this time. I had to be.

Barriers in place, I set about reworking my face. Clearing my mind of the memories, I began to sing to myself as I worked, letting the lyrics fill my consciousness. There's nothing like music to help you get in character. By the time I finished what I was working on and returned to the cart for more parts, my grin was in place and I was ready to face the world. No one would ever have to know.

It was a long day, as Wing had sustained extensive damage in its fall to Earth and there was a lot of work to do. Howard brought us dinner while we worked, and the meal was consumed in silence. Taking our plates away, Howard gave me a questioning look, obviously curious as to how I had convinced Heero to let me help him. I shook my head, mouthing the word "Later" to him. I didn't particularly want to revisit the events of earlier, specifically my outburst. Besides, we were getting close to finishing the repairs, and I wanted them done so I could go to bed. Little sleep, emotional upheaval and a long day of work had combined to put me in a state bordering on exhaustion. Hopefully, sleep would not be so elusive that night.

It was close to nine o'clock by the time we'd finished all the repairs—the ones we had parts for, anyway. Somehow, we had managed to get it all done without actually talking to each other. Heero had remained silent, save for a "Thank you" to Howard for bringing dinner, and I had continued to sing as I worked. While the other pilot hadn't said anything to me after my little tirade, I didn't sense any sort of animosity from him either. It seemed he had simply accepted the situation and moved on, focusing on his task with all his energy. While this was a slight surprise given his earlier insistence against our help, I was too tired to wonder at it further.

Yawning, I walked over toward the table with Heero's laptop and dropped my tools on it, wiping my grimy hands on a rag. Heero was leaning over his computer again, entering data into the diagnostics program.

"Well," I began, "I sure am beat. I'd crawl in bed right this second if I didn't reek so bad, but I guess I should hit the showers first…" No response.

"Anyway… I will go to bed after the shower, and I'm pretty damn sure I'll be out for the count until at least noon. I take it you'll have left by then?"

He nodded, not looking away from the laptop screen. I began to wonder if it was even worth continuing, then decided I didn't care if I was bothering him.

"In that case, I guess I'll wish you good luck. I'm glad we could finish the repairs and all, sorry we didn't have everything you needed… You can come back here after, if you want, the Sweepers will be around even if I'm not."

At this, he finally looked up.

"It is unlikely I will remain in this area in the future, so I will probably not return. I do appreciate your help, however."

"Eh, no prob," I said with a grin. "I suppose we'll probably run into each other again eventually. Till then, eh?" I said, extending my hand to him.

Heero stood up and gave my hand a firm shake, nodding. "Until then," he intoned. For a second I thought he was about to smile, but the impassive expression on his face never changed as he turned back to his laptop.

Yawning again, I headed towards the bathrooms for my shower. "See you on the flip side!" I called, not bothering to look back for a response. I knew there wouldn't be one.

\-----

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Duo! Unlock the damn door, we've got a problem!"

While it wasn't the most pleasant wake-up call, it certainly wasn't the worst I'd had. Hell, I'd take this over nightmares, any day. Groaning, I sat up and rubbed some of the sleep from my eyes.

"Just a fucking minute!" I yelled as the banging started up again. Rising, I pulled on some pants and a shirt before heading for the door. Opening it, I was confronted by a none-too-happy Howard.

"Morning to you, too. What, did the sky fall or something? Jesus come back for Judgment Day?" I asked, my tone heavy with sarcasm and the irritation I felt.

"Heero's gone," Howard stated, as if that were enough to explain his behavior.

"No shit? He had a mission to get to, Howard. S'why I was helping him out yesterday. Did you really need to batter my door down for that?" Scowling, I started towards the kitchen. I wouldn't be getting back to sleep, so I might as well get a move on with the day.

"So are a bunch of Deathscythe's parts," Howard called after me. That stopped me in my tracks.

"WHAT?!" I yelled, turned back toward him.

"I said, so are a bunch of Deathscythe's parts," he repeated evenly.

"I know what you fucking said! How the Hell did that happen?! Did the guys just decide to take the night off, figure keeping a watch wasn't important after all?!"

"Hardly," Howard replied levelly. "Barry was incapacitated while on second shift. Not hurt, just knocked unconscious. Unsurprisingly, the parts missing seem to be the ones Heero needed that we didn't have spares for."

"Well that fucking figures. I work my ass off to help him out, and he thanks me by knocking out one of men and violating my fucking suit! He sure as Hell better hope we don't meet up any time soon, 'cause I am going to beat his ass the next chance I get!"

Fuming, I stalked over toward Deathscythe to see the damage for myself. A number of the guys were already there, taking stock of things, but one look at my face and they all backed off, muttering about some urgent task or another that needed attention. I ignored them, climbing up into my cockpit and booting the on-board diagnostics system. Soon, a list of damages was scrolling up the screen. It wasn't pretty.

Growling, I jumped down to find Howard waiting for me at Deathscythe's feet.

"How long's it gonna take to fix him?" I ground out.

Howard sighed, then scratched his head. "Well, we already started looking for the parts yesterday, so we should have 'em all in three or four days. Repairs should be finished in five."

"Fine. Let me know if you need my help for any of that when I get back."

"Get back?"

"I'm going out. Can't deal with this shit right now." 

With that, I headed for the back door. I needed something to vent my anger on right then, and I didn't want it to be Howard or the guys. Maybe I'd mess with one of the gangs that hung around in the area, or rig some explosives to one of the abandoned buildings nearby. Anything to distract myself from the ache that was welling in my chest and throat, an ache that felt suspiciously like hurt. I must not have slept as well as I thought, to be reacting this way. Hurt only happened when you cared about someone, and there was no fucking way I cared about that bastard. No way in Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and to everyone who has left comments and kudos. You give me life!


	6. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... I hadn't realized it had been almost 4 months since the last update. If any of you are still reading this, you are amazing and wonderful and I love you.
> 
> If, for some reason, this chapter is confusing to you, or if some of what Duo is saying doesn't add up, well. Just know that it means you're reading carefully.

You have probably guessed that, despite my insistence to the contrary, I did care about Heero. You would be right. It would be some time before I could admit this to myself, however, and even longer before I accepted that I always had, to some extent. I wouldn't see him face to face for a long time, and the intervening events made it quite impossible to take out my anger over his actions when we finally did meet. I had gotten past my anger with him by that point anyhow, and was instead angry with myself.

But I am getting ahead of myself. There is more to tell before I can relay the details of that meeting, as memorable as it was.

Sighing, I look up, and realize that Heero is sitting with me, holding my hand. How had I forgotten his presence? No matter, it is good that he is here. I started this story for you, but he is the one who really needs to hear it. When I finish, he will finally understand. He does not want to believe me, insists that things can be good if I only let them. Well, he used to insist anyhow. He has given up on that, finally, though I know he still believes it, even if he no longer voices the sentiment.

I wonder what he thinks so far of my story. His face is impassive as he gazes out my window, brushing his thumb over my hand occasionally. He used to talk more… a lot, even, for a time. He still does, I guess, but only rarely. I can tell he is getting tired, though he is too stubborn to give up. I think, though, that he may finally be ready to accept the truth of what I say. I hope so.

The others are tired too. They used to visit me more often. I would see Wufei every week, at least, since he works in the same city. He and Heero are partners at Preventers. Quatre would come every month or so, stopping by while traveling on Earth for business. He is very busy running Winner Enterprises, Inc., but he would make time to see me anyway. Trowa I saw less, as he traveled with the circus and had less control over where he went. Of all the pilots, I knew him the least, never having spent much time with him during or between the wars. Still, he would visit three or four times a year, telling of all the wonderful places he visited and people he'd met.

Now, I see them rarely. I do not remember how long it has been since Trowa visited, and Quatre comes but once or twice a year. Wufei, I see maybe once every third or fourth month. But Heero… Heero visits every day.

I had thought that my silence would drive him away, eventually. After all, the boy he fell in love with was talkative, energetic, funny, exciting. I am none of these things anymore, and still he comes. There is no joy in it for him, no selfish reason to motivate him. I haven't seen him smile in… well, since the Mariemaia incident. These visits are torture for him, but that does not deter the Perfect Soldier. I certainly fell in love with him for all the right reasons… no one could be so dedicated as he. At the same time that I love that quality in him, I hate it. It's the reason he's still here.

And why shouldn't I want him to be here, you ask? It's very simple, though no one seems to believe me, and I suspect you won't either. Do you remember what happened to the loved ones of my childhood? Well, theirs are not the only lives I've destroyed with my love, and I do not refer to Heero's. Heero may not have died yet, but there were so many times he  _almost_  did… and always my fault. His brushes with death each came after a slip on my part, always just after letting myself care a little more for him. I came to see in time that Shinigami had not cursed me… no, I  _was_  and  _am_ Shinigami. While I have managed to allow only a few people into my heart since I understood my true nature, it has always been bad for them.

I have been told that this is superstitious and illogical. I have also been told that God exists, which is the same. Why is my curse less true than God? I tell you it isn't. Still, I know you don't believe me, not yet. You will, though. My story is proof.

Heero squeezes my hand and I look back to him. He's looking at me now, intently, as he always does when his eyes rest upon me. I gaze back, showing nothing of my thoughts. He waits, as if expecting me to say something, though he knows I won't, can't speak.

Squeezing my hand again, he stands up. "Goodbye Duo." He leans in to give my forehead a soft kiss. "See you tomorrow." With that, he takes his jacket from the back of the chair, walks to the door and shuts it behind him. His customary farewell.

I sigh again, hoping that he won't come back, knowing that he will. I will have to wait for his return to continue my story. He's the one who needs to hear it most, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I will my best try to update this more regularly. Comments much appreciated!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some discrepancies between this part of the story and the series, and I want to point them out to avoid confusion. First of all, in my story, Duo and Heero do not arrive at New Edwards together. Also, as you may have noticed, Duo has already learned Heero's name. Nothing big, just small tweaks necessary for the purpose of my story. The dialogue in this part is taken directly from the episode (English dubbed version), though not all dialogue is present.

New Edwards. I do not relish revisiting this event, but revisit it I must. My story cannot be complete without it.

I said before that it was the beginning of the end… But it was also the beginning of something new. The end was of my illusions, my _de_ lusions, but also my will, conviction, and determination. The beginning was of my enlightenment, of my understanding, and of my despair. I did my damnedest to deny it, to prevent it, but it was inevitable, and also for the best, when all was said and done. Maybe not for me, but certainly for all else. Everything—and everyone—else.

Before I tell you why, let me tell you how. You should experience it if you really want to understand.

\-----

I was scanning the news on my laptop, set up in the makeshift kitchen of our warehouse. Over the previous weeks, there had been numerous reports of attacks on OZ facilities. Of course, some of them were the work of yours truly, but most of them weren't. I knew some of them were attacks by Heero, but there were too many, too geographically dispersed, for him to account for all of them. No, someone else had it in for OZ, and from what little details I had managed to scrounge up, it sounded like this someone (or likely someone _s_ ) had suits like mine and Heero's. In fact, some websites claimed they were all Gundams, and that there were five of them.

If I hadn't met Heero, I would have scoffed at this notion. _Five_ Gundams? Impossible. But the knowledge that at least one other existed made the concept of an additional three plausible. I was beginning to suspect that it was quite impossible that our simultaneous arrival on Earth and parallel goals could possibly be coincidence. Somebody knew the whole picture, and I could bet that G was one of those somebodies. Exactly why he didn't clue me in was beyond me, but of course it would be useless to ask for details. If he hadn't already told me, then I didn't need to know… apparently. But I didn't like it.

My musings were interrupted by a loud chime emitting from my laptop, followed by an alert for a new message. Opening it, I saw the outline of a new mission.

All top OZ officials, including Treize Kushrenada himself, would be meeting for a conference at one New Edwards Base. I was to leave in a few hours since the base was pretty far away, and upon arrival, I was to blow the place to smithereens, OZ officials included. I grinned. Blowing shit up is a favorite pastime of mine, and this mission would allow me to do just that on _top_ of eliminating all the major players on the other team. Perfect.

Somehow, it didn't cross my mind that, with so many VIPs in the same place at the same time, the security might be more than I could handle alone. Nor did I realize that such a perfect opportunity might attract the others—Heero included—who were causing OZ so much trouble. No, I simply replied to the message, confirming that I had received it and would follow through, then got up to prepare for the task ahead, my previous musings forgotten. Silly me.

\-----

Perhaps it was because I had never been given an impossible mission before, and couldn't imagine that I _could_ be given one. Oh the invincibility of youth… I remained blissfully ignorant of the impending possibilities throughout my journey to New Edwards. Instead, I occupied my time memorizing the layout of the base and other mission specs. I grounded my carrier five miles out and checked the clock. I was within timeframe, so there was no use waiting. Strapping into Deathscythe's cockpit, I booted up the systems and headed in.

Needless to say, I was not prepared. Not for the number of units protecting the base, not for the other Gundams, and certainly not for Heero, let alone the ensuing disasters of that battle. I noticed the number of units first, in the same instant that I knew it was too late to turn back. I had been seen. But many Leos were already engaged in combat, so I knew I had an ally, and did what I could to get to him. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?

When I got close enough to see it was Heero… I didn't actually react. How could I have? Distraction meant death. Immediate death, I should say, since we were going to die anyway. We were that outnumbered. I was determined to do as much damage as possible before that happened, however, which meant staying alive for as long as I could. So no, _I_ did not react, as _I_ was fully immersed in battle fury. But _part_ of me did. And that part of me was confused as fuck.

I was grateful first. Keep in mind that the part of me reacting was the strictly irrational part, hence its ability to forget (or forgive?) Heero's unforgivable betrayal. I was grateful because I was going to die, and I didn't want to die alone. Did I tell you that being alone was one of my greatest fears? Loss is my greatest phobia, but being alone was a close second. Since loss was guaranteed at this point, the irrational part of me was relieved that at least one of my fears could be assuaged.

I was also angry. I was going to die with Heero, the betrayer. All at once, I forgave him and condemned him for this act. Irrational, remember? In the face of Death, I could admit to myself that I had let myself care. He had spit that caring back in my face. Of all the people on Earth to die with, he was my last choice, but there he was, his suit back to back with mine as we slashed through Leo after Leo, beamsword and scythe dancing intricate patterns through our enemies. I hated him for making me grateful for his presence. Grateful was the last thing I wanted to feel for him.

Thus, my utter confusion as we continued to tear through rank after rank of OZ mobile suites. But again, only part of me was experiencing this. Most of me was fully engaged in the fight, which was really the only thing that kept me from screaming at the top of my lungs.

Scratch that. I _was_ screaming at the top of my lungs. Fighting was a good excuse for that.

This is the point when all of me joined in on the confusion. There was a barrage of missiles that could never have come from a Leo, and then Wing was transforming and shooting off into the sky. I realized the Leos around me had cleared and I turned to face two suits that, while unfamiliar, were unmistakably Gundams. Ah, the source of the missiles.

Their attention was no longer one me, though, and I looked to the sky to find Heero and Wing. There. Trailing an OZ shuttle. I grinned. Wing caught up, transformed, and sliced it in half. Grinning some more, I turned back to the other Gundams, laughing maniacally. I wouldn't be dying this day, and what's more, the mission would be a success. Eliminate OZ officials, check. The base still needed destroying, but first I had to see a stranger about an appointment… his appointment, with Death. No one bombards me with missiles and lives to tell about it.

Screaming, I launched myself at the closer of the two Gundams, scythe held high and eyes flashing. But this pilot was no OZ soldier. The orange and red suit moved slightly, raising an arm to deflect my blow and the other to shoot… this guy had a fucking gun for one of the arms on his suit! I twirled the scythe deftly, changing its angle of impact, but not fast enough. The gun-arm lifted up to block just before I crashed into him, almost unbalancing us both. Then the gun-arm crashed to the ground and a blade was flashing toward the head of my Gundam as I reached my arm up to block.

Out of nowhere, a huge column of flame erupted between us. We disengaged, both looking for its source. A fifth Gundam was standing not far away. In the midst of battling, we hadn't even noticed its approach.

"Haven't you guys gotten tired of these meaningless battles yet?" came an indignant voice from the fifth suit.

"What do you mean?" Heero replied, incredulous, as he returned to earth.

A Chinese boy stepped out of the cockpit. "Don't you guys realize? You've all been lured right into OZ's devious little trap. Check out the Alliance's report. You guys just wiped out the Alliance's _pacifists_."

"Impossible." Heero said it; I thought it. Then it came true.

"This is the colonies' declaration of war against us…" General Septum's voice washed over me like I had been doused with a bucket of ice water. We had failed, utterly and totally. Not only were OZ's top officials alive and well, we had murdered potential allies and most likely alienated any support we might have had.

Most of me was in shock as Septum continued to speak, unable to react, but once again there was a part of me that was reacting, and furiously so. I thought at the time that it was that irrational part again, but know now that it was entirely rational, entirely correct. We had made a fatal error. Only one of us had avoided it, and even Wufei had been unable to prevent it. That rational part of me knew then that there was no hope. If it could happen once, it would happen again. If it could happen to us, it would happen to others. There would be no winning the war I had come to fight. It was not possible. We would fail.

I was not ready to accept this reality, however. I insisted that my astute conclusion had come from the same part of me that had been grateful and angry and hating, all at once, earlier. The utterly irrational part. I was there to win, and with four Gundam pilots at my side, I would succeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.


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